|
|||||||
|
|
|
|||||
|
|
|||||||
Bats In The Attic
Tease
[Exterior, "Librairie Clees-Meunier" bookstore. A man on a
bike rides up and raps on the window, then moves to the door.]
Delivery Guy: Schnitzel! Hot and steamy!
Lei (opens door): Oh. Come in.
[Bookstore, interior, downstairs.]
Lei: The schnitzel's for Alfred. He's in the attic and you'll see the ladder in the
back room.
Delivery Guy: Well, can't he come down and get it himself?
Lei: Oh, no. Alfred never comes down. I'd go up, but the doctor told me to avoid heights because...I don't like heights. ...Alfred has the money.
Delivery Guy: Okay... (walks towards back of store) Up there?
Lei: Yeah, right up the ladder. Well, don't be afraid, he won't bite you.
Delivery Guy: Alfred, I got your schnitzel. It's all hot and steamy.
Alfred (off-screen): Up here.
[Bookstore, interior, upstairs.]
Delivery Guy (climbs ladder): Alfred? (starts walking towards back of attic, sees coffin,
backs away, bumps into something, turns around and screams, backing away, then falls down)
Act 1
[Helsing home, interior, living room.]
Sophie: What are you working on?
Gustav (sitting at typewriter): My memoirs. Chapter one, page one, line one. They say the first line in any book is the hardest one to write.
Max (comes downstairs): Seeya!
Gustav: Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on there, young man! You know better than to run off without telling me where you're going.
Max: I found this great bookstore. It's got like a zillion books on vampires and werewolves and all that cool stuff.
Gustav: Well, I suppose a bookstore is as good a place as any to spend the afternoon. Off you go!
Max: Right! (leaves) (OS) Hi, Chris!
Chris (enters): Yeah.
Sophie: How did it go? Did you launch your rock and roll career?
Chris: Launch it? I don't even think I made lunch money.
Gustav: Ah, well, you'll do better tomorrow, Christopher. And speaking of lunch, I never got the schnitzel I ordered last night! But maybe Max left some of his pizza in the fridge. 'It was the best of times, it was the worst of times'--no, that won't work.
Chris (OS): What's he talking about?
Sophie (OS): The first line for his memoirs.
Gustav: 'Stately, plump Buck Helsing'--nope, nope (leaves).
Sophie: Did you at least have fun?
Chris: No. I don't know, I--maybe, my music just doesn't have it. I...
Sophie: It's...it's not your music, Chris, it's your lyrics.
Chris: Hey, I write what I know. Boy meets girl, girl turns into a vampire, boy rescues girl, boy expects reward, girl goes squirrelly--you know, like the real-life stuff?
Sophie: There's nothing wrong with writing from life, but your...your approach...it's...it's American. You're in Europe now. You have to be more...artistic. I could help you if you want.
Chris: You want to write songs, huh? Sorta like Jagger and Richards?
Sophie: I was thinking more of Jacosa and Puccini.
Chris: Yeah, that's what I meant. Sure, whatever you want.
Sophie: I want. C'mon, Chris, let's go be brilliant.
[Castle, exterior]
Lucard (voice-over): For the last time, who created you?
[Castle, interior, Great Hall]
Lucard (to zombie): Look at you. What a third-rate creature you are, even by zombie
standards. Who is creating such an inferior breed? Who is invading my
territory? There are just too many vampires these days, and when you get too large a
population, (to Felix) you get...impurities! I must elieminate the source of
these...sub-standard zombies, which means
eliminating the substandard vampire. (to zombie) I hope you don't take
offense at any of this. I knew you wouldn't. (to Felix) Felix, take this
wretched thing out and liquidate it! I have a rogue vampire to hunt down.
[Helsing home, exterior]
Sophie (VO): Slow it down this time, Chris. We want people to be able to hear my
lyrics.
[Helsing home, interior, boys' bedroom]
Sophie (enters): Blossoms bloom...below the sky! The scents fill my nostrils with
delight. Oh come love, come and join us. Let's fill the night with poems so
dark and yet so bright...yet so bright....
Gustav (VO): Um...Once...
[Helsing home, interior, living room]
Gustav: ...upon a time. Well, that's a start. 'Once upon a time, the--'
Where's my typewriter?
Max (OS): Come on in, Lawrence!
[Helsing home, interior, hallway]
(Max and Lawrence enter. Lawrence looks at the Cross of Silesia.)
Max (OS): Uncle Gustav, this is the guy from the bookstore I was telling
you about. (enters living room)
[Helsing home, interior, living room]
Max: Uncle Gustav, meet Lawrence. Lawrence, meet Uncle Gustav.
Lei: Max tells me you're a vampire expert.
Gustav: He does?
MAX: Oh, it's OK, Uncle Gustav, Lawrence knows a lot about vampires, too.
Lei: I thought we could...share information.
Gustav: Oh, I'd love to, but I'm busy writing my memoirs. You don't have my typewriter by any chance, do you?
Lei: No...why would I have your typewriter?
Gustav: Well, somebody has it.
Lei: Did you know that you could kill a vampire with a church sexton's shovel? Or you could seal a vampire in a coffin with a silver nail and a hammer.
Max: Pretty cool, huh? I told you he knows a lot.
Lei: Or the Cross of the Magyars. Crafted by Saint Varma in the twelfth century in Hungary. It won't work on me.
Max: Of course not, you're not a vampire.
Lei (laughs): Uh, even if I were.
Gustav: What Lawrence means, Max, is that the cross wouldn't work on him even if he was a vampire because you invited him into this house. And that's something I've warned you about.
Max: Yeah, well, Lawrence may know a lot about vampires that I don't know, but I'll bet you he doesn't know anything about Alexander Lucard.
Gustav: Max...
Lei: Who?
Max: Alexander Lucard, he's a vmapire.
Lei: Lucard Industries? That Alexander Lucard?
Gustav: It's just a rumor.
Lei: What do you know? I walk by his castle every day! Wow! Well, idle hands are the devil's workshop. I'd best be back to my store. Bye! (runs out, sees Delivery Guy standing outside door and laughs, then leaves)
Max: Uh, he's a little weird.
Gustav: He's a lot weird, Max. I don't want you hanging around him anymore. (hears door knock) Who could that be? (enters hallway) Yeah? My schnitzel! I ordered that last night!
Delivery Guy: Schnitzel...hot and steamy...
Gustav: Wait here; I'll get some money. (walkinga way) I'll be very surprised if that schnitzel is either hot or steamy.
(Delivery Guy staggers into hallway; Cross of Magyars lights up and zaps him)
Delivery Guy: Oh! (vanishes)
Max: Whoa, he must have been a vampire.
Gustav: Or a zombie. Did you notice the blank look in his eyes? This could mean trouble, Max!
Max: Lucard?
Gustav: No, he knows better than to send one of his zombies here.
I'll get in touch with Herr Blusen. That was his delivery man.
Max...(makes sweeping gesture towards the ashes)
[Helsing home, interior, living room]
Gustav (on phone): Herr Blusen? Gustav Helsing. Your delivery man just brought the
schnitzel I ordered...last night. Huh? Uh, they're a little overdone,
actually. Well, I don't think he's on his way back to your store, no, no. He
looked undead--I, I, I mean, unwell. Yeah, I was just wondering if you had a list of
deliveries that he's made in the last few days to other places, uh...if he's ill, there
might be a health risk, and you know how the authorities just love to give store owners
trouble. Well,
why don't I come over right now? It'd save a lot of time. Great! (hangs up,
walks towards hallway) (to Max) You stay here til I get back. I don't want you
getting involved til I know what we're dealing with. (leaves)
[Castle, exterior]
Lei (VO): I'm, I'm so glad you could see me, Mr. Lucard.
[Castle, interior, Great Hall]
Lucard: I have an open-door policy, Mr...I'm sorry, I have forgotten the name.
Lei: Lei, Lawrence Lei.
Lucard: Mr. Lei, people are my greatest resource. I rarely turn down a chance to meet new...blood.
Lei: Which is exactly why I'm coming to see you. To offer you some new blood.
Lucard: Perhaps you are not quite aware of what I mean by...new blood.
(vamps; Lei offers him his neck; Lucard hesitates)
Lei: What's the matter? Aren't you going to bite me? Aren't
you going to turn me into a vampire? I want to be a vampire, please.
Act 2
[Castle, interior, Great Hall]
Lei: Please, please, please...
Lucard: Excuse me, what exactly are you doing?
Lei: They think I make no difference in the world.
Lucard: And you think that by becoming a vampire, they will think of you as significant.
Lei: Well, they'd have to, wouldn't they? I mean, try telling me I'm insignficant when I grab their necks and, and bare my fangs. Try telling me I'm nothing when I sink my teeth into their veins and drain every last drop of blood.
Lucard: Lawrence, you seem to have an axe to grind. I don't want another vampire like that. I'm sorry, Lawrence, but I don't think you are properly motivated for the job. Felix!
Lei: Motivated? Why, I could be the greatest vampire in the world!
Lucard; I'm afraid that position is already filled.
Lei: Oh, please, Mr. Lucard, make me a vampire. You're my last chance. See, Alfred won't do it, you see?
Lucard: Who?
Lei: Alfred. Uh, he's, he's my friend. He lives upstairs and he won't make me a vampire.
Lucard: And Alfred is a vampire?
Lei: I have to go now. (turns to run and sees Felix) Oh!
Lucard: I'll tell you what, Lawrence, why don't you give your address to Felix and maybe I'll pay you a visit sometime...to accommodate your wishes.
Lei: Oh, really?
Lucard: Really. (Lawrence bares neck) Felix will show you out.
(Lawrence leaves with Felix) I believe I may know where our rogue vampire
is hiding.
[Helsing house, interior, living room]
Sophie: C'mon, Chris, time to take our music to the streets!
Chris: I don't think that 'music' is the right word for it.
Sophie: Well, I think that we're going to get a really big reaction.
Chris: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of. Look, it's not like I don't have faith in our act, but--
Sophie: Trust me, it's going to be great! Unless you don't have faith in the future of our partnership.
Chris: No, I think our partnership is just fine. Actually, I think it could do with being a little closer.
Sophie: Stick to business, OK?
Max: Guys, I'm getting a little worried. Uncle Gustav went to Herr Blusen's over an hour ago, and he still hasn't come back.
Chris: We've got to go check it out.
Sophie: Chris, you promised...
Chris: Yeah, but Uncle Gustav could be in some kind of trouble.
Max: Yeah, Sophie, I told you what the Cross did to the Blusen's delivery man.
Sophie: Look, you heard what Uncle Gustav said. He said stay out of it, right? And that's exactly what Chris and I are going to do. Right, Chris?
Max: Fine. But I know somebody else who can help.
Sophie: Ready, Chris?
Chris: Ready as I'll ever be.
[Bookstore, exterior]
Max (runs up and opens door): Lawrence? Lawrence, you here? (enters)
[Bookstore, interior, downstairs]
Max: Lawrence? Lawrence?
[Bookstore, interior, upstairs]
Max (climbs stairs, sees coffin, removes stake, creeps up on figure sitting near coffin):
Ah! (stakes 'vampire' who turns out to be a dummy; coffin opens, revealing Lei)
Lei: What have you done?
Max: Lawrence!
Lei: You killed Alfred. You killed a harmless old vampire.
Max: Take it easy, Lawrence, it was only a doll.
Lei: That was Alfred. He was my friend! Every boy needs a friend. Oh, you've done a terrible thing, Max. I don't know how you could've done such a thing. (takes stake from Max and throws it away, vamps out) (in different voice) You will be punished! (picks up Max)
Max: Ah! Oh, boy!
(Lucard teleports in)
Max: Oh, boy!
(Lucard throws Lei into coffin)
Lei: Oh, Mr. Lucard, how nice of you to drop in! Would you like to turn me into a vampire now?
Lucard: It looks like somebody has already beaten me to it.
Lei: Oh, oh yeah? Maybe, maybe, maybe it's Alfred. Alfred's my, Alfred's my only friend. He, he knows I'm significant. (Max picks up stake, lunges for Lucard; Lucard knocks it away)
Lucard: (to Max) Don't try it, Maximilian, I'm in a bad enough mood as it is. (to Lei) Poor Lawrence. Your vampire days are over. No more zombie-making for you. (closes coffin and picks it up) (to Max) I would love to stay and deal with you now, Maximilian, but my hands...are rather full.
Max: That's OK.
(Lucard vanishes)
Gustav (runs in): Lucard! Where is he?
Max: Gone.
Gustav: (pulls at deflated dummy) What's this?
Max: Lawrence's vampire.
Gustav: What? Blusen's delivery man brought some schnitzel here. So this is where he must have been bitten. By somebody! I rushed over as soon as I realized. What's going on, young man?
Max: I'll tell you only if you promise not to get mad at me for disobeying your orders.
Gustav: It had better be good.
Max: Oh, it is. It is.
[Helsing home, interior, living room]
Sophie (reciting): ...art thou a flower from the mind....a mindless creation proceeding
from a heat-oppressed brain?
Gustav (enters with Max): Well, judging by your expression, Christopher, I take it that the audience was sparse.
Chris: I wish! They ate it up! European audiences, though, go figure.
Sophie: Shhhh...
Max: (sniggers) I love it, Sophie.
Tag
[Castle, interior, Great Hall]
Lucard: You see, Alfred, long ago, when Lawrence was turned into a vampire, he was unable
to face up to his new identity. He tried to hide it from himself, he tried to lead
the same mortal life he had always led. And...eventually...he succeeded. By
developing a split personality. You. Alfred. (drinks champagne)
But then a funny thing happened. Lawrence became enchanted with vampire lore
and legend. So enchanted that now he wanted to become a vampire. This put you
in conflict with yourself. An interesting case...too interesting to simply dispose
of you, Alfred. So, I'll just seal you away...and make this world a better place for
vampires like me.
Lei (in different voice): Lawrence, Lawrence, where's Lawrence? Lawrence has to help me. Where's, where's Lawrence? Where's Lawrence?
Lucard: I'm afraid that Lawrence is right in there with you, Alfred, somewhere (closes lid, starts to nail it shut).
Lei (in different voice): No, no, no, please, help me, Lawrence, Lawrence,
please, Lawrence, no, Lawrence, help me...
The End
Transcribed By Sarah Trombley. Please e-mail any corrections to corrections@dracula.tvheaven.com