The Vampire Solution

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TEASE

Arthur: ... charmingly informal.

Gustav: The most serious work is often helped by the most unserious methods, dear Arthur. Ah, here she is. Sophie Metternick, meet an old student of mine, Arthur Bower.

Sophie: Hi.

Arthur: Good day.

Gustav: Arthur was one of my best students when I was at Tumingham. He had a real talent for vampire history.

Sophie (sniffing the contents of a blender on the desk): I hope that's not dinner you're making.

Gustav: It's better. This is a great day, Sophie. Did I ever mention the quinidrine solution?

Sophie: Only a thousand times. A legendary cure for people who've become vampires. But the key ingredient doesn't exist.

Gustav: The leaves of the philemon tree, extinct for over 100 years. But now, we might have it. Arthur has located two leaves.

Arthur: I found them purely by chance, pressed in an old book of poetry my grandmother gave me.

(Gustav takes the book, removes a leaf and puts it in the blender. Covering the container he mixes the ingredients as Arthur and Sophie watch. He pours the contents into a couple small plastic bottles.)

Arthur: I must dash. But I'll return tomorrow. To run an analysis of the solution.

Gustav: Fine. Sophie will see you out.

(Gustav finishes filling the bottles and caps them. He puts the book with the remaining leaf on a shelf.)

(Cut to exterior of the Helsing house, daylight. As Arthur passes a building, a man in a suit and sunglasses jumps out, puts a cloth over his nose and mouth. Hearing the muffled shouts of Arthur, Gustav goes to the window in time to see Arthur put into the back seat of a car.)

Gustav: My God. Arthur!

(The other man starts to get into the front seat)

(Helsing living room. A man in a trenchcoat and hat walks around the room then sits down across from Gustav and Sophie)

Inspector Bretton: Well, kidnapping is very unusual. Perhaps it was some kind of prank?

Gustav: Perhaps. Inspector Bretton, Arthur and I have stumbled onto a massive conspiracy. Now, as incredible as it sounds, we have discovered an attempt to take over the entire world's financial institutions. If I told you who was behind it, you'd be astonished.

Inspector Bretton: I don't astonish easily.

Gustav: Well, we'll see. The man is Alexander Lucard.

Inspector Bretton: Really, Mr Helsing. I investigate crimes, not fairy tales.

(He gets up to leave)

Gustav: No, wait! Listen! Arthur and I have designed a computer virus. If it entered Lucard's computer systems, it would wreck his entire financial empire. Now I think whoever kidnapped Arthur knew of our plans and is trying to stop us.

Inspector Bretton: You've been very helpful, Mr Helsing. Mademoiselle.

(He leaves)

Sophie: What are you up to, Uncle Gustav? What computer virus?

Gustav: Oh, it's just something for them to worry about.

(Cut to a city street. Chris and Max come out of a building, carrying grocery bags)

Max: Here. You carry my bag. I'm runnin' home.

Chris: You're what?

Max: A vampire hunter has to stay in top shape.

Chris: Oh sure. Uncle Gustav's running laps morning, noon and night. Besides, why should I carry your bag?

Max: Hey, no pain, no gain.

(He turns and jogs away)

(Cut to Lucard's office. Gustav enters, looks around the empty room and goes to the computer. As he keys it on, a shadow moves across the wall behind him. Klaus moves behind him and puts a hand on Gustav's shoulder.)

Gustav: You're too late. It's been set in motion. I -

(Klaus spins him around. As they look at each other, Klaus removes his sunglasses.)

Gustav: You.

Klaus: Hello.

(He delivers a karate chop to Gustav's neck, knocking him out.)

(Exterior Helsing home, night)

(Cut to the boy's bedroom. Music plays as Max pushes against the wall. Chris enters.)

Chris: Hey, Rocky. How about taking a break?

(He turns off the music)

Max: You're right. It's time for my high protein energy drink, anyway.

(He puts on a hat with small, plastic bottles on each side and a straw attached)

Max: It's got 12 nutritious ingredients, including honey.

Chris. Oh great. Battle of the century... Dracula vs. Winnie the Pooh.

Max: I'd better get back at it.

(He turns the music back on and moves back to the wall)

Chris: While you're at it, can you push that wall over there? We kinda seem cramped in here.

(He leaves the room.)

Sophie: What's going on in there?

Chris: I give up. You talk to him.

(Sophie enters)

Sophie: Max.

(She turns off the music)

Sophie: Ma- Max, if you really wanna get in shape, you're going about it all wrong. Meet me in the living room in half an hour. OK?

(She leaves. Max goes over and hits the rewind button)

(Cut to Lucard's castle. Klaus' is coming down the stairs to the great hall. Behind him are two zombies with the unconscious Gustav. Klaus points to a chair and they place Gustav in it. He motions them to leave)

Lucard (off camera): Wake him up.

(Klaus approaches Gustav and waves smelling salts under his nose. Gustav regains consciousness and tries to push his hand away.)

Lucard: That will do. Hung be the heavens with black. Yield day to night.

Gustav: Shakespeare, isn't it. Henry V. Or if you'll permit a little word play: Hank Cinq. (laughs)

Klaus: Henry the Sixth, Part One. But then you've always been wrong about everything, haven't you? A foolish old man sniffing around things that he'll never understand. Instead of lawn bowling or shuffleboard, you've decided to spend your twilight years as a vampire hunter. And an extremely boring one at that.

Gustav: At least I'm not a blood-sucking thug.

Klaus: Boring!

Lucard: Gentlemen. Gentlemen! Conflict makes me thirsty. The question is, what do we do with this vampire killer?

Klaus: We drain him, now.

(Klaus moves toward Gustav. Lucard puts out an arm and holds him back.)

Lucard. My dear Klaus, impatience will be your undoing. We need to stop and think. If we kill poor Uncle Gustav, then we won't hear all about his computer virus that will, what did the police report say? Wreck my financial empire.

Klaus: That was a fairy tale.

Lucard: I'm inclined to agree. At the very least, I think he's a tad optimistic. But one should always err on the side of caution, which you would do well to remember, Klaus.

Klaus: Well, if he can't beat us, perhaps he should join us.

Lucard: Yes. He should. After Gustav Helsing becomes a vampire... It sounds so dramatic, doesn't it? He'll tell us all we want to know about this plan to ruin me. I could have sworn it was Henry V.

Klaus: Henry the Sixth, Part One. Act I, scene one. Line one.

(Lucard vamps out and moves to bite Gustav)

(Helsing living room. Max and Sophie are doing Tai Chi)

Max: Why do you do this stuff?

Sophie: Not stuff, Max. It's Tai Chi. It's much more sophisticated than that gymnasium routine you were doing. Gives you relaxation, co-ordination, and balance.

(Max loses his balance and sprawls on the floor)

(Cut to a room in Lucard's dungeon. The door opens, a zombie shoves Gustav in, then he exits and closes the door. Gustav gets to his feet and looks around. An offstage moan has him scrambling toward the sound. He kneels down)

Gustav: Arthur! Arthur! How are you feeling?

Arthur: Professor. How did they capture you? A great vampire hunter?

Gustav: Oh, I helped them so I could rescue you. I planned to be captured. Lucard has access to all the police files, so I let him think I had a plan to destroy his empire with a computer virus.

Arthur: Do you have such a plan?

Gustav: No. But if Lucard thinks I do, he won't kill me.

Arthur: He's already bitten me.

Gustav. And me.

Arthur: Ah, then there nothing to prevent us from dying and turning into vampires.

Gustav: Yes there is. I brought the quinidrine solution to save us both.

(He takes out a bottle, uncaps it and drinks)

Arthur: Well?

Gustav: It's surprisingly tasty. How do I look?

Arthur: Terrible.

Gustav: That means the solution isn't working. It should make me look like my normal self. I don't normally look terrible, do I?

Arthur: How should I know? I haven't seen you in 15 years. Certainly you've aged a bit.

Gustav: But I looked better when you saw me at the house, right.

Arthur: But you had better lighting.

(Arthur takes the bottle and sniffs at it)

Arthur: Do you know that this smells like one of those protein energy drinks.

(Cut to Chris and Sophie in the Helsing living room watching TV. Max comes in)

Max: Where's Uncle Gustav?

Sophie: He went to Uncle Wilhelm's birthday party.

Chris: It'll be schnitzel 'til dawn.

Max: I promised him I'd look over some of Lucard's computer stuff, but now I can't find his disks.

Chris: I got Uncle Wilhelm's number.

(Chris gets and he and Max go to the phone. He dials)

Chris: Hi! Uncle Wilhelm. It's Chris. Happy Birthday. I thought it was your birthday tonight? No, I'm sure you know when your birthday is. Yeah. Well, can I speak to Uncle Gustav, please? He's not there? No, I'm sure you would know if he was there. Yeah. Yeah. I'll give your love to the family. Ok. Bye. (he hangs up) Uncle Gustav hasn't been there in weeks. So where could he be?

Max: Maybe it has something to do with that computer virus thing you were talking about.

Sophie: Or maybe he went to find Arthur 'cause they were working on some formula to transform vampires back into humans.

Chris: Well, either way, they're probably at

All three: The castle.

(Exterior Lucard's castle, night)

(Cut to a gated, ivy covered entrance at the bottom of some stairs. The children descend the steps)

Max: Uncle Gustav's skeleton keys.

(They open the lock and go inside)

Max: Ok. I'm going to look for Uncle Gustav. You guys go look for a dungeon. That's probably where Lucard's keeping Arthur.

Chris: Max, not every castle has dungeons.

Max: Well then look for something dungeon-like.

(They split up. Cut to Max in a darkened hallway. Opens a door to the stairway overlooking the great hall. The lights are low and a fire burns in the fireplace. Max descends the stairs. There is a flash of light in each of the two chairs in front of the fireplace. Max stops and gasps. Lucard looks around the chair on right)

Lucard: Why Maximillian. Visiting hours aren't for another two hours.

(He stands and turns toward Max)

Lucard: When your uncle has become a full-blooded vampire.

Max: Uncle Gustav?

Lucard: Klaus, I'm on the last page. Would you mind killing this little squirt for me?

Max: You don't scare me, Lucard.

Klaus: I'll hang him outside. Let the birds peck out his eyes and the lizards chew on his toes.

Max: Now this guy scares me.

(Klaus moves toward Max, who throws up his hands in a defensive gesture. Blue lightning bolts flow from his fingers to Klaus, pushing him back. Lucard advances. Max turns to run back up the stairs. He stumbles, and as the vampires close in, he reaches out and the blue lightning bolts push them both back. )

Max: That oughta show you.

(He exits. Lucard and Klaus look at each other)

(Cut to Chris and Sophie in the underground caverns. They hear a noise and hide. Max comes running by and Chris reaches out and grabs him)

Max: Look, Sophie, that Tai Chi stuff, can it make you shoot energy bolts?

(Sophie and Chris look at each other, and off in the distance, we hear)

Gustav: Kids! In here!

(They run toward the voice)

Gustav: Kids!

(They find a door, open it and rush inside. Gustav and Arthur are lying on the floor)

Sophie: Uncle Gustav! Are you all right?

Gustav: Just listen. Did one of you drink from those plastic bottles in the fridge?

Max: You mean my high-protein energy drinks?

Gustav: Oh, no, Max. That was my vampire formula you drank.

Max: I drank the whole thing. So that's why Lucard and Klaus couldn't get me just now.

Gustav: The quinidrine must have more properties than we thought of, Arthur. Come on, we must get home, make more of the solution before we're done for.

(The children help them up, and make their way out. Suddenly, Lucard and Klaus simultaneously appear in front of them. Gustav, Arthur and the children turn to go back, and Lucard and Klaus again appear in front of them. The humans turn again, and go down another corridor that brings them to the gate that the children had entered earlier. Lucard and Klaus are waiting.)

Max: Don't sweat it guys, I'll take care of this.

(He steps forward, holds out his hands toward Lucard and Klaus and the blue bolts drive them back from the entrance to the far wall.)

Max: Be very calm, folks, and move quickly to the nearest exit.

Chris: Yeah.

(Chris "high fives" Max as he goes by.)

Max: My work here is done.

(Lucard and Klaus stay against the wall, with lightning bolts playing over their bodies)

(Helsing home, exterior, night)

Gustav (oc): We must make more quinidrine solution.

(Cut to Gustav and Arthur slouched on the sofa. The children are gathering ingredients and the blender)

Chris: This is in Mexican or something.

Sophie: Let me see. It's Latin. Aqua helvetica.

(Sophie reads as the boys concoct the mixture)

Max: Which is...

Sophie: Swiss water. Tres partesa... three dashes of mustard seed. A measure of wolf's blood.

Chris: Gross!

Sophie: Autibus eng... burnt ash.

Chris: Come on. Hurry up.

Sophie: Garlic. Mandrake juice. And the key ingredient, a leaf from the philemon tree. Uncle Gustav, where is it?

Gustav: Little red book. Top shelf.

Max: Got it!

(Max gets the leaf, Chris puts it in the blender and mixes the ingredients. Sophie takes the container from the blender.)

Sophie: Come on, Uncle Gustav. You have to drink this.

(Gustav drinks. The children watch anxiously as he returns to his normal look)

Gustav: It works! Arthur, drink up!

(Gustav hands the container to Arthur)

Arthur: No.

(Arthur gets up, and throws the container down)

Arthur: I choose to become a vampire.

Gustav: He's delirious.

Arthur: Not at all, Herr Professor. You've ruined my life once before. You won't wreck it again.

Gustav: Arthur, what do you mean? You were one of my best students.

Arthur: One of the best. The best one received a recommendation for a professorship, but not me. You destroyed my dream, Gustav. So I returned to rob you of yours, to make certain that you'd never defeat Dracula.

Gustav: Oh Arthur. At what cost?

Arthur: None. Lucard has promised me immortality. An eternity to savor the revenge of this moment. I had already died when you blundered in to save me, dear Gustav. Died, so that I may be undead. As I am now.

(Arthur has developed fangs)

Max: I'll take care of this.

(Max holds out his arms, but the blue bolt fizzles)

Max: It's worn off.

(Arthur laughs)

Arthur: You can't hurt me. I'm immortal.

(Cut to the Cross of the Magyars, with energy crackling over it. A fire ball shoots off and engulfs Arthur. It fades as Gustav and the children watch. Arthur screams as we see the glowing skeleton effect turning to flames flickering out, and leaving behind a charred rug).

Gustav: As soon as he reached the full vampire state, the Cross of the Magyars would not allow him to exist. Poor Arthur. He traded his life for immortality, and his immortality lasted just 20 seconds.

Tag

(Lucard is looking out the window of the great hall. Klaus comes up behind him)

Klaus: We have a report from our people. Helsing's computer virus was a phoney.

Lucard: Apparently, he wanted to test an anti-vampire solution he'd concocted.

(Lucard turns and moves away from the window, taking a slim wallet from his jacket.)

Lucard: Arthur Bauer was only too willing to tell me all about it. Poor Bauer. Blind hatred like that never survives long. A constructive hatred requires focus.

Klaus: And if the solution worked?

Lucard: You needn't worry about that, Klaus. They key ingredient no longer exists. I'm sure of that. I've got the only one left.

Klaus: It's still a very childish, dangerous game. I have no intention of losing all this because of some potion. Or spell.

Lucard: When he shall die, take him and cut him out into little stars and he will make the face of heaven so fine, that all the world will be in love with night

Both: And pay no worship to the garish sun.

Klaus: Romeo and Juliet.

Lucard: Act 2, scene 3.

Klaus: Act 3, scene 2.

(Lucard, who is putting the philemon leave away, looks at Klaus who nods)

Lucard: Come, Klaus. A million nights stretch out before us.

(They hiss at each other, exposing their fangs. Lucard moves across the room and spins into numerous bats. Klaus follows behind.)